I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
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