dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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