The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
