There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
