I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
