I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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