i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
