So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
