Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
