I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
