Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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