So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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