I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize