Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
