You made me cry and you don't even care
my phone needs a breathalizer
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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