hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
