update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
