wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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