all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
