i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
