There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
