He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
