This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize