Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
