Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
