She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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