wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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