dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize