you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
