Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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