I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize