can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
