I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
