On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All the doctor said was why
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
