Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
