Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
