My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
