I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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