She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
