If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize