My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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