i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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