There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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