my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
