The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
