I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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