Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
