I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
