Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
