just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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