Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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