As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
