Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Found your dick twin last night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
