Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
