I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
