i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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