while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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